That’s the only possible way in which I can even attempt to describe the current bunch of muppets that are putting themselves forward for the Tory nomination in the 2008 London Mayoral election.
As I highlighted before (see the previous post) right-wingers can’t even make propaganda without making themselves look stupid. Now they can’t even select a candidate with any ease. Indeed, they’ve thrown open the gates and let any old fule put themselves forward in “primaries”. They might call it “democratic”. I would call it “desperate”.
Don’t kid yourselves by thinking Purple Ken (you’ll see why in a second) is the workers’ best mate. The guy called on RMT members to scab on a strike on the London Underground. Yeah, Ken, great workers’ solidarity there, chum. Not. But he has done some good stuff. Like the Freedom Pass, free bus travel for under 16’s – most of it attacked by the Tories, just proving that they must never be allowed within 500 metres of any democratic chamber. Ever. (It’s for their own safety, that’s all I’m concerned about.)
But let’s have a look at them, shall we? Iiiiiiiiin one…
Richard Barnes, Peter Hobbins, Mike Read
No website. No idea. Get with the programme, lads! Fucking amateurs.
Andrew Boff
“Crazy name, crazy guy!” as Private Eye’s Glenda Slagg might say. Guido’s link to him is to easteight.com which is an amateur community website. Lead story? “Mike takes Haggerston Pool message to Tony”. And that was from the 2nd January. Jesus Christ, I mean, if you’re going to fool the people of Hackney (East Eight, E8, see?) that a fucking Tory is any good as a community leader, you’ve got to put some effort into it. And you expect the people of London to vote for you? Moron.
Nick Boles
Flashier website than Boff, and at least Boles and Boff have made an effort. But there’s fuck all on it! Credit where credit is due, it’s a nice head shot of you, Nick, but you expect the people of London to write your manifesto? You lazy arsed bastard. Look, Nick, you’re standing for the Conservative nomination, right? The Conservative Party will write your manifesto. No doubt anyone who falls for this ‘consultation’ will see his or her contribution to Nick arch straight into the “Trash” tray of his Outlook.
Winston McKenzie
MySpace? MY FUCKING SPACE? Are you serious? Oh, but he’s ‘pimped’ out his webpage with pimp-my-space.com, a website that the average user of MySpace (13/14 year old kids who say 133t a lot) would use because they don’t understand CSS. Look, Winston, here’s a tip, right; I host this blog on wordpress.com. It’s free. This template? Out of the box. Free. The domain? £7 for two years at ukreg.com, and I pay wordpress.com £6 for a year for them to host the domain. It looks far more professional that the digitized pile of vomit that you call your campaign site. You might as well come round to my house and poke hot spikes into my eyes.
Winston’s credentials? He’s a boxer and he’s got his mum behind him. Great. Only 5,999,998 other people to go. What’s his campaign hook? “Vote for me, or I’ll beat you up, and if that doesn’t work, I’ll set me mam on you and she’ll give you a right telling off.”
Lurline Champaignie
Now we’re getting to the more serious candidates. And straight away, a fucking splash page. Ditch it, ditch it NOW. But at least Lurline’s website has a bit more about her. Lurline believes in “The Cosmopolitan Community”. Reading it, it looks like she’s written it on the back of a beer mat after a few bevvies – well, I can’t think of any other logical explanation for it. “Human society perpetually involves tensions… these tensions are in a state of flux.” No shit Sherlock, it’s called Class Struggle, us Marxists have been banging on about it for ages.
Then she starts banging on about “common sense” and how “multiculturalism” is crap. When I see shite like this, I usually wake up the next morning in a police cell minus my shoes and my belt. Anyone who talks about “common sense” needs be lined up against a wall, and given a blindfold and a cigarette, not delusions that they should even consider being the mayor of London. Because as anyone with an IQ that is above room temperature knows, “common sense” usually means “bollocks”.
Simon Fawthrop
Well, with a name like that, he’s just bound to be going places, right? The logo is obviously made in Microsoft Paint and the page was obviously made in Frontpage Express. At least he didn’t use MySpace.
“We were promised a voice for London when the Mayor and Greater London Assembly were introduced and now we have an extra tier of Government which is out of control, caring little for the different communities that make up London.” No, dipstick, we were promised (and got) a strategic authority that looks at London as a whole. If Ken interfered in the boroughs too much, you’d be running your mouths off about how he’s a heavy handed interfering sod. Can’t have it both ways.
Lee Rotherham
“I am fighting to bin New Labour’s extra tier of London government. I will bring Borough Councillors to the forefront of the governance of the Capital. And I will slash the political correctness, propaganda, and waste of your tax money that is endemic in the system.” Fucking UKIP have been trying for years in the European Parliament and all they end up doing is bleeding their expense accounts dry. Doubt you’ll get much further.
And “political correctness”? Liquid brained fuckwits like you make me think it hasn’t gone far enough. Got a chip in your shoulder? I think you have.
Warwick Lightfoot
Seemingly the most serious.
“There are too many strikes and threatened stoppages of work on the underground.”
Also, seemingly the most in need of watering because he’s so thick.
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Guido links to this shower. And even he thinks they’re all crap. Which says something. Although I’m not sure what.
